Review: Mama Cozzi's Take & Bake Supreme Pizza

B. is in graduate school for physical therapy, which mostly means (to me) our entire relationship consists reading things in bed, reading things on the floor, reading things at coffee shops, and sleeping with the lights on. But occasionally a special PT thing will drive us out into the weird heterosexual purgatory that is Pittsburgh's downtown.

I was ending my workweek that day with my regular 12-hour shift, which meant I was already almost drunk. If you like being intoxicated but don't have that much money, I can't overstate how much 12 hours of unrelenting, punishing physical labor will do for you. Combine that with the constant stress of being an emotional outlet for complete strangers and I guarantee that by the third day you will be on your way to shitfaced. You don't have to be in nursing--you could be a new single parent of twins, or landscape while hanging out with the person your ex left you for.

This being a physical therapy program, you'd expect to find lots of high-energy, athletic, graceful young people, but you'd be dead wrong. Folks, I could barely see straight but managed to keep it together despite a tight pencil skirt, 4-inch heels, and 3 glasses of wine. I have never in my life seen more people drop full glasses of alcohol. TWO people ended up on the floor. Maybe this program is like psychology, in that people with psychological problems seem more likely to "want to help others"? (Based on my own reasons for getting a degree in psychology, obviously.) Like, these PT people, being some of the clumsiest, most injury-prone people on the planet, want the opportunity to heal others? I don't know.

Our Uber driver on the way home was actually a pretty interesting guy, telling us about Ye Olde Pittsburgh Bar Scene and how he once got his foot flushed in the bar spittoon and it was embarrassing unto death, etc. I can only imagine that he rolled his eyes at The Youth when I drunkenly interrupted him to announce to B. I was going to order a pizza.

When we got in she lit some candles and dimmed the lights. "Setting the mood for some pizza," I thought to myself, happily. I asked to borrow her laptop but she just turned on some music. "Okay, getting ready for a pizza party!" I said, a little more confused. Then she loosened her tie and started kissing me. Suddenly it dawned on me: she had forgotten about the pizza. She wanted to express her deep love for me, and I was trying to decide what toppings to get on the pizza, a pizza I was never going to eat.

I'm not very good at expressing my feelings or desires and I also like to imagine I can read minds (I mean, I do have a bachelor's in psychology, duh), and figured, "Wow, she doesn't want me to have the pizza. Is she trying to save me from myself? I should have worn an A-line skirt instead of a pencil skirt. Or maybe I'm too bossy? Maybe she doesn't feel like pizza? Should I break up with her now?" So in the end neither of us got what we wanted: I didn't tell her I still wanted the pizza, and we fell asleep with our clothes on.

The next morning, still feeling pain over The Pizza That Could Have Been, I asked B. why she didn't want the pizza the night before. "Oh my god, the pizza! I forgot you wanted it." Here I was just thinking she was punishing me! So she proposed we go to Aldi and get a ready-made pizza, which is how I know things are going to work out for us long-term.

World's Okay-est Make-Up Pizza

The great thing about this pizza is that it's not frozen, so it only takes about 20 minutes to bake it, which is important if you have a hangover from finishing drinks that people left on tables at a school event. The toppings are pretty solid and I even saw 1-2 mushrooms, in addition to pepperoni, sausage, onions, and stop-light peppers. That's right, y'all! This pizza probably beats out your local place with regards to Bell Pepper Diversity. B., being the non-nonsense New Englander she claims not to be, views crust as a purely practical means of holding pizza, and prefers not to waste calories actually eating it. And so she had a pretty approving comment: "It's good enough for people who like crust but not overwhelming for people who want to just get it over with."

Which I would argue applies to the entire pizza. Have you accidentally or on-purpose fallen asleep while your loving and adoring partner tries to convey their desire for you? Have you unwittingly or maybe vengefully withheld pizza from your partner and now feel a little bad? Say, "I'm kinda sorry but it was actually your fault for not speaking up" with this Supreme Take & Bake Pizza from Aldi.