Review: Clancy's S'mores Snack Balls

Totally unforgivable that I have been gone this long, I know, the 4 of you out there waiting for my #hottakes on baffling Aldi products are probably suffering. I actually wrote a post about macarons and never edited it! But right now I need some community, because I've made a huge Aldi mistake.

Clancy's is the Aldi snack food brand. Potato chips, tortilla chips, cheese puffs, pretzels of all kinds. The packaging features a windmill and I guess that plus the name "Clancy" is maybe supposed to remind you of the cuisine delights of the Midwest? 

a family of cows died for this

Normally, Clancy's holds up pretty well. Despite their avuncular branding, they're also pretty willing to get creative; the dill pickle-flavored chips are a delight when you want the calories of chips but the weirdest part of a pickle.

Today in my post-work Aldi frenzy, I passed these S'mores "snack balls" (told you it was avuncular) thinking "gross", then doubled back when my curiosity got the better of me. 

I stared at them long and hard, but I suppose it was neither long enough nor hard enough for these balls, because I missed a critical point:

CRUNCHY CORN SNACK. Balls, to be specific. Puffs, you might say...

LIKE CHEESE PUFFS.

This is probably just conditioning, as these aren't really even salty, but every bite tastes like cheese puffs that were tragically mixed with chocolate in a Christmas tin or something. I think it was the description on the back of the bag that mislead me, because really, all the signs were there: "crunchy corn snack," photos of the snack in question.

I was hoping for more of a buckeye situation

I suppose even the description should have given me a hint, but they OBVIOUSLY WERE TRYING TO SNEAK THIS PAST EVERYONE so that they would have to bring this miscarriage of a snack home before revealing its true nature.

There truly is no God

The best thing about these is the smell. When I was 8, I had to get my tonsils out. The anesthesiologist let me pick the scent of my anesthesia, and I picked a delicious-smelling marshmallow. I liked that scent so much that the doctor put a little on some gauze and put it in a ziplock so that I could smell it when I got home.

Except general anesthesia, when you wake up from it, makes you vomit. You vomit when you first wake up and then you realize just how much your raw, newly-stitched up throat feels. That makes you vomit some more. After you stop vomiting, you eat some popsicles...which you also throw up in short time. 

I was discharged that afternoon and my mom ordered a chicken sandwich whose amazing odor filled the car, so in revenge I promptly puked all over her Volvo. When I got home, I settled into bed, my little baggie of heavenly marshmallow gauze tucked beside me. Upon waking up, I decided to relive the moment they put me under, holding the bag up to my nose. At which point I immediately threw up.

I spent a few days after I recovered bringing the gauze with me to school, so I could smell it when I needed comfort (shit was rough back then). Except every time I opened that baggie up, my stomach churned. Resignedly, I tucked the baggie away in a drawer and the next time I found it, the scent had dissipated.

These corn balls smell like that anesthesia gauze. And just like that anesthesia gauze, you too, will want to throw up every time you open this bag. You'll think it's a good idea, maybe even a little funny. But you'll just be left with a destroyed car, and nowhere to put these except the trash.

EDIT: Several wonderful readers have written to say that they loved these. Please see my latest entry (2/11/2018) for an update, because these are on the shelves confusing people right now, baby!